We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
