that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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