My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.