sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize