The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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