i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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