We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I want a musical about memes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
