Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
