dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize