Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.