Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
