i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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