my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
home. puking in laundry basket.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
