Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
