Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
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you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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