I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
