upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
