I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
