I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
