I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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