At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
