I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
