So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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