I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
