She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
