Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
