I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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