So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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