i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
