Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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