I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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