My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
