I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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