I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
