no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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