Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
