thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
