i just sent this text using only my big toe
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
