Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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