your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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