Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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