Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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