I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
