he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The struggles of a small town man whore
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
