I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
