I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
