this beer tastes like vomit already
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
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Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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