She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
