she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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