We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
