I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
