I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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