I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
