Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize