I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We need to rekindle our bromance
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
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I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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