My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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