kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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