I wish I could punch you in the face.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
